Tag Archives: just a ramble

bone tired and it is fall break, thank the laaawd.

not much more to say than that, really.

well, i’m am extrovert, since when did not having anything to say stop me from talking?

here is one thing to note: whenever life feels most out of control, it is good to notice what you want to do in the middle of said out of control moment.

somedays, i remember to breathe deeply in and out through my nose, as my yoga teacher is always saying.

somedays, i repress the urge to kick and scream and yell.

somedays, i don’t repress the urge.

maybe for today, it is enough to live and let live, proverbially and physically.


so i know it was a spam comment, but still….

it said something like, “I hope when i come back to your blog you have something more interesting to say besides whining to get attention.”

spammers are getting smarter.  and this post is not much more interesting than the last.  sorry to disappoint you spammer-dude.

still preggers.  it’s been a good week off.  we had  a quiet christmas that was mostly the 3 of us, with a visit from dear friends for a viewing of the lorax.  we’ve seen that movie so many times, but we love it and it’s so good.  and it makes me cry every time.  seriously, care people.  care about the trees and the planet.  soap box over.

speaking of caring for the planet, i’m going to give cloth diapering a go.  i’m a little nervous.  it’s kinda intimidating.  i wanted to because of all the other stuff we do for the planet, like the 6 boxes of worms in my basement for eating our trash (anybody want some worms?? the expression should be breeding like worms instead of rabbits…just sayin’) and composting and recycling and re-using and buying used instead of new as much as possible, etc.  it seemed like a no-brainer that if we bring another kid in, we should do it as greenly as possible.

and i have lots of friends who have managed well, some with kids in daycare even.  so surely it can’t be that bad.

maybe.  i’ll have to get back to you on that one.

i had a prenatal visit today.  80% eff, loads of braxton hicks, nausea, general ucky-ness.  i’m hoping that all those signs point to imminent domain delivery.

and it’s going to be okay.  all of it.  and us.  you, me, everybody.

around this time last year i posted this about holding new babies and how hopeful they are.  and this year, i get to hold my own hopeful newbie.   that’s very exciting.  and definitely worth waiting for…as if i have any other options. 🙂



a break from the daily grind

today is the first day of thanksgiving break and it’s 11:37 a.m. and i’ve already spent way too much time on pinterest.    and i read this post which made me promptly stop surfing pinterest.


i’m exhausted.  mentally, emotionally, and physically.  some of it’s preggers-world, some of it’s disappointment, some of it’s just plain ole life is really shitty sometimes and when you take time to notice what that means it makes you sad, like soul sad.

we are heading out of town the first week of december, for a retreat.  and while it’s getting close to my due date, i feel like this week is going to be pivotal.  i’m excited and anxious for t to come, but i am also deeply aware that i need to rest.  soul rest.

so there.  soul rest is on the way.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the upcoming birth.  trying to do a natural birth after an induction and epidural is a little bit intimidating.  i am more aware of what labor feels like (though induced labor is much faster and harder than natural labor, i’m told anyway).  but i had this dream last night where we were two weeks out from my due date and kyle got arrested for stealing (and also driving drunk) and i was pleading with the officer to just figure out a way to let him not go to jail until after the birth, because i really didn’t want to do it by myself.

that’s easy enough to interpret.

in any case, i am pondering and meditating on all those things.  i’m still trying to get my hands on the blasted book we need to read for our doula.  found it at the library….completely forgot to actually pick it up before leaving for nc.

when i stop taking care of other people for just a few minutes and think about caring for myself, i notice the tension in my shoulders and the acid in my belly and how sometimes self-care is the hardest thing in the world for me to do.  and also the most crucial.

i think i’m going to the y when i get back to k-town.  not to swim, but to float.  i think some floating would really do me good.

by the light of the moon

not really, but it makes me feel better for having missed blogging for  so long.

i have had a glorious day.  i slept late (okay, well, not THAT late, but sleeping until 8:30 is pretty much a miracle when you have to pee every 30 minutes), homeschooled and made great progress with each of the kids, which was super exciting.  there are some days where i wonder how in the world i ever taught more than 3 students at a time.  today was not one of those days.  today, i thought, “bring on the world.”  i’ll be back in reality tomorrow, so leave me to my dreaming.

i went out this afternoon and played and shopped.  i found delicious shirts, the start of my most epic halloween costume, and cute things for t & e.  i recently realized that it’s going to be a shift.  i’ve never had two kids of my own before.  so when i go thrift store shopping (one of my favorite hobbies in case you have not noticed), i usually find a little something for e.  but now, i’m thinking about t as well, and there will be some days that i find things for t and not for e (actually, it’s already happened more than once) and that feels weird to me.  for so long, i’ve just been e’s mom.

i was reading a mom’s blog this week who was talking about how when her second child was born, she distanced herself from the new baby because she didn’t want the older sibling to feel neglected.  i have no idea how we’re going to do this family of 4 bit, but i’m pretty sure that’s not it.  e’s been asking for months if she could come to the birth, and we’d been thinking about it seriously, wondering if there was a way to make it work.  but she overheard our friends talking this week about their home birth and she leaned over and said, “i’ve changed my mind.  can i please have a babysitter until after you cut t’s umbilical cord?  because that sounds really gross.”  i didn’t have the heart to tell her that was actually the least gross part of a birth.

incidentally…all of the homeschool children were shocked last week when after overhearing their plans to come to the birth, i informed them that they could not all come.  they couldn’t understand why.

anyway, e’s been talking more and more about t’s arrival.  earlier this week she said, “mommy, you and daddy keep talking about how things will be really different when t gets here, but i think it’ll just be exciting and fun to finally have a sibling.”  i told her that it would be exciting, but there might also be things she feels sad or frustrated about and that we would always be happy to talk to her about those things too.  then she said, “do you think i’ll be a good big sister?”  and i assured her that i knew she was going to do great.   in some ways, i know people say it’s easier to have siblings closer together.  but i’m really glad that e’s as old as she is, because i love being able to experience her perspective on this.

it’s been a tough week .  a lot of heaviness and moments where i catch myself silently holding my breath.  i am grateful for today.  i needed to play.

small town rambles

we’ve been in small town hendersonville all week–side note, the news here is soooo boring.  we decided that you can either have lots of externally crazy people (and therefore interesting news) or lots of quiet internally crazy people (and therefore boring news).   we’re hoping to head back saturday.  it’s been sad, for sure this week.  the dr is pretty confident that it was a stroke, but the mri will confirm all of that on monday.  there’s been mowing and moving furniture and cooking and making meals, lots of just answering the phone and receiving people’s sympathy and well wishes.  don’t get me wrong, getting lots of phone calls is sweet and it’s good to know so many people care, aaand sometimes i too get peopled out.

last night at dinner, i actually got up and started doing the dishes because the conversation at the table was kind of infuriating.  this is okay.  i am an extravert, but, recently, i was reading about personality types (here if you’re interested) and one of the things that i was surprised by is that my personality type (ENFP) functions primarily in extraverted intuition and secondarily in introverted feeling.  all of those times when i thought i was a little crazy for being an extravert who needed to process my feelings alone, i now realize were perfectly normal.

i already knew about the different types, but seeing the idea that each type comes with its own unique leading was really fascinating to me.  for example, my darling k is an ISTJ:

As an ISTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

so, doesn’t that sound like a blast?  me extraverted intuiting all over the place while he’s internally trying to process information 5 different ways?  then i’m all “i gotta go somewhere quiet to feel this” and he’s going on out loud about how we need to just be rational (i.e. not emotional!)

opposites may attract, but they’re either colorful or exploding….or sometimes both.

anyway, all of that to say that i differ slightly (….ok, more than slightly) in political opinions from my in-laws, and every time i feel us going near that conversation, i have to back up because, in my opinion, there are no political solutions, and if there were, they’d involve loving and caring for the poor instead of isolating and rejecting them.

ever notice that people who are most vehemently against gay marriage don’t have any gay friends?  or people who protest abortion but have never worked in a pregnancy care center or provided housing or mentorship or care for someone who’s struggling with whether or not to terminate a pregnancy?

when i was teaching in public school, i had a student come to me in tears because at 15, she’d gotten pregnant.  she asked me for advice.  legally, i was bound by the school system to tell her “abstinence”–technically it was the only thing we were allowed to say about sex.  i broke the rules and listened to her and talked gently.  i helped her get an appt with the school nurse and we sat down together to talk about what she needed to do.

in the end, she decided to get an abortion.  i was heartbroken, because for the previous two years, k and i had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.  i wanted so badly to raise that little baby.  but it was her decision and she knew all of her options.  seven years later, i sometimes wonder about her and her decision.  i don’t know if she regrets it or not or what the emotional impact has been for her.  but i know that i walked with her.  i listened.  and while i wish she’d made a different decision, i believe wholeheartedly that i cannot judge her because i was not in her shoes.  i have no idea what i would have done if faced with everything she was facing.  i’d like to tell you that i wouldn’t have gotten an abortion, but when i was 15, i was really emotional and spastic.  and if i had grown up in her family, with her circumstances, i might have come to the same conclusion.

and if we’re honest, our issues about all these current political scenes have nothing to do with the actual reality.  because facing the actual reality would mean that we are facing our own personal obsession with greed and fear.  if we were able to let go of our fear long enough to love, we might just find that it is us who makes the world a better place, not one particular guy in a particular house in a particular city.  we might stop hating.  we might discover that love really can change the world.  we might realize our own potential and seek to grow instead of suppress anyone who doesn’t look/act/think/talk like us.

on a side note:  i found out the month after that student came to me that i was pregnant with e.  changed my life and continues to everyday.

a blog without quotes

well, actually, i can’t make that promise.  i’ve found way too many good ones lately.

i’m fascinated by ideas.  ideation is one of my strengths on the strengths finder. (if you have no idea what i’m talking about, try googling it.  there are some free versions of the test you can take online and it’s a really interesting tool for understanding yourself and your interactions with others)
anyway, i’ve been inundated with new ideas lately.  august is always like that for me.  the season of going back to school.  since i was a kid, i have always loved this time of year.  from now until christmas is my most favorite of all.  some of it is because of going back to school and that fall has all of the best holidays in one season.  but also,  i have a small obsession with school supplies.  i used to believe it was because i was a teacher, and maybe that’s part of it.  but i also feel like it’s because my birthday’s in august, and i always got new clothes for school and school supplies for my birthday.  and i thought it was the greatest thing in the world.

this month provides those hopeful moments of looking ahead into the next year, planning what we’ll do.  this fall, i’m going to read Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats by TS Elliot with the homeschoolers and we’ll watch “Cats” when were done.  I read them each the first four lines of the first poem (the naming of cats) and they were yelling, “don’t stop!  it’s so good, please keep going!!”

THAT’s why i love school.  🙂

and i love the new ideas that are born inside of me as i ponder the changes that are coming.  we’re going to have a baby!! eek!  it’s serious business, and i’m seriously fairly clueless.  we’ve gotten along quite well, just the 3 of us for so long.  and i know (and have said before), baby sprout’s contribution to our family will seem so essential that one day it will be hard for me to remember when he or she wasn’t an integral member of our family.   and baby names!  sheesh.  don’t get me started.  i can think of 20 or more girls names, but have yet to find a boy’s name i really like. the meaning of names is really important to me.  and that’s difficult in a world where children are named apple and rugby.

when i was a kid, i knew early on that my name meant “one who is loved.”  but i always felt like an outcast, like i never belonged anywhere that i was.  i felt rejected often, and so i inwardly laughed that my name meant beloved, because i never felt like anyone’s beloved.  it was only as an adult (and after lots of counseling, i might also insert) that i began to see what my name really meant.  and to embrace it.

ellie’s name means “beautiful light.”  and i hope she understands it someday too.

aaand, i trust we’ll find the right name for sprout too.  if not, we’ll stick with sprout and he or she can always be the grower of new things. 🙂

summa cannin’

we have tomatoes and more tomatoes.  so ky and i decided to do some cannin’/ salsa makin’ this morning.  and it was surprisingly easy…with only a few emergency trips to google.  🙂

the harvest

it’s been such a weird summer.  lots of work, and weird work, like me sewing a lot.  while i like to sew, it’s different sewing for work.  and also kinda fun, because all of my refugee friends think i’m a little crazy, but they lovingly help me do new things and then they ask my opinion about what they’re doing and it’s sweet.

all in all, it’s a good life we’re livin’.  every time i get a little tired or worn out, i try to remember that this is a journey for a lifetime and i never know what turns or changes are going to move mountains in the world.  but i believe those mountains are getting moved.

p.s. all those mason jars came in real handy this morning.  i’m just sayin’.