Tag Archives: confession is good for the soul

it isn’t always pretty

well, to be honest, it rarely is.

when i am alone with my thoughts and realize how awful i can be, i wonder how anyone could tolerate my biting wit or childish whims.

but there is more than meets the eye, really. more to me and more to everyone i know. and that is in fact what i am trying to figure out almost every day.


prepare yourself, there’s going to be some whining

arabic is hard. but not the way you are thinking. my new teacher is a sweet lady who sounds like she understands a lot of english, but then asks me random words sometimes that i think surely she would know (like “knock on the door”). anyway, i like her very much and to add to the mix, she has three small little ones. and some days, i can tell that she is struggling to like her life in any way. she says the kids give her a headache. i totally get that, mine often give me one too.

but it is more than just that. it is the life she is given, taking care of kids, cleaning and cooking and being at home. she says she doesn’t mind, but i can sort of tell that she does. it is both prescribed for her and selected by her, if only because she has no idea another way is possible.

i never regret being a feminist. but there are days when it is easier than others to believe that empowering women will elevate a society.

so i keep going back. i must press into arabic. but i expected to struggle with more language and not so much the relational aches. maybe i was just naive.

i love this quote

“When we feel lonely we keep looking for a person or persons who can take our loneliness away. Our lonely hearts cry out, “Please hold me, touch me, speak to me, pay attention to me.” But soon we discover that the person we expect to take our loneliness away cannot give us what we ask for. Often that person feels oppressed by our demands and runs away, leaving us in despair. As long as we approach another person from our loneliness, no mature human relationship can develop. Clinging to one another in loneliness is suffocating and eventually becomes destructive. For love to be possible we need the courage to create space between us and to trust that this space allows us to dance together.”

Henri Nouwen

a time to . . .

Listen carefully. to create. to move on. to wait. to still. to be. to hold. to let go. to cry.

and I’m particularly gifted at crying. Less so at letting go, but someday.

I made this leeeetle hat and I’ve decided that it’s ears on top of the hat. Special ears that hear what is really happening. So even if someone couldn’t talk, if you wore this hat, you’d understand them. Or if someone was saying nice things, you could understand their hearts and know what was most true about your relationship with them.

Most importantly, the hat’s magical powers would bring into harmony all the sounds of the world so you could hear the music playing all around.


ready . . .

or not . . . here it comes!

summer!!!  so excited.  even though i still work through the summers (makes me miss my public school teaching days a little), it’s a more relaxed schedule.  there’s the kids’ fun funday-ness, soccer camps, a trip to space camp maybe?  fireflies, the beach, and all the sunshine i can stand.

i realized this morning that there are so many things that have happened in the last 4 months.  so so so many.  and while some of them were painful and hard, all of them have been productive.  in my soul, that is.

so here i am, last day of april, open handed for what’s next.  it’s going to be good i’m sure.


it’s been a while, i know…

the deal is that life feels pretty complicated these days. and also really simple.*

we gave up TV for lent, and it’s been good, but also kind of maddening. i keep getting those damn redbox codes and thinking “Oh, a movie would be great!” and then as i’m dialing ky to see what he wants to watch, i remember. nope. tonight’s especially hard, because i’m feeling a little emotional, and i’d like nothing more than to just plop in front of grey’s anatomy** with a cup of hot chocolate and cry. it’s easier to cry about fake stories on tv than to cry about how i feel.

i’m tired even though i napped today.  perhaps it’s my body trying to catch up on the last two months.

two months!! did you hear that?  it’s been two months already!  can you believe it?  i can’t.  she’s a sweetheart through and through.  and she’s gotten quite smiley in the last lil’ bit and it’s just the right time too.  when you’re exhausted from nursing and being up in the night, then she smiles and you think, “oh! i can do this!”

i started running again, started back to work. both are good, both are what i need to be doing, desperately. but there are some moments where what i most want is to just be alone and not do anything. but then when i am alone and not doing anything (read: right now), i feel lonely and can’t wait until i’m doing something again. ***

gah. i’m so whiny tonight and it’s silly. this time in t’s life will never come again, and yet i still wonder when i’ll get to do life again (two handed!). even though, of course, i am doing what is most essential.

i’ve felt pretty even most days during this postpartum season, the dreaded 4th trimester. but now and then, i find myself weepy for no reason.

the deal is that life is hard, post-baby, post-loss, post-pretty-much-everyone’s-got-something. but in the end i have to hope that we’ll all be okay. everyone will be okay.

*i am so cheesy. but when i’m tired, i get all philosophical cheese which is reaaaallly bad.

**i just looked it up and it’s a re-run. temptation over. only God can judge me –Tupac

***i might actually be the little prince’s drunkard.

while you were sleeping . . . probably . . .

i had a baby!  🙂

and it was great.  wicked hard, but that’s why they call it labor.   it was exactly what i wanted, water birth and all.  there was this realization post birth that in labor, i was in this cocoon between my husband and our doula. and it was easily the safest place i’ve ever been, even though it was the hardest emotionally and physically.

we were built for intimacy and community in the middle of our pain.  don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

baby girl is doing well, adjusting to the outside.  after all that waiting, it’s funny, i read today on her newborn report that she actually scored more like a baby at 39 weeks gestation, even though by the calendar  i was 41 weeks pregnant.  so that’ll teach me to watch a calendar.  not that i’ll need to again.  i’m good.

she’s the sweetest angel and i love her so much.  her big sister e is completely enamored.  so much so that i was pretty grateful that school started back today, just so i didn’t have to have so much “help.”  🙂  really, though, e loves being a big sister.  we’re sure that the newness will eventually wear off, but for now, we let her pick out t’s clothes and hold her whenever possible.  i’m still not sure that e realizes t isn’t actually a doll.

t’s due to wake up any minute now, so i will close with a picture.  that’s what you were hoping for anyway.

sleepy bean, post ped's visit
sleepy bean, post ped’s visit