the deal is that life feels pretty complicated these days. and also really simple.*
we gave up TV for lent, and it’s been good, but also kind of maddening. i keep getting those damn redbox codes and thinking “Oh, a movie would be great!” and then as i’m dialing ky to see what he wants to watch, i remember. nope. tonight’s especially hard, because i’m feeling a little emotional, and i’d like nothing more than to just plop in front of grey’s anatomy** with a cup of hot chocolate and cry. it’s easier to cry about fake stories on tv than to cry about how i feel.
i’m tired even though i napped today. perhaps it’s my body trying to catch up on the last two months.
two months!! did you hear that? it’s been two months already! can you believe it? i can’t. she’s a sweetheart through and through. and she’s gotten quite smiley in the last lil’ bit and it’s just the right time too. when you’re exhausted from nursing and being up in the night, then she smiles and you think, “oh! i can do this!”
i started running again, started back to work. both are good, both are what i need to be doing, desperately. but there are some moments where what i most want is to just be alone and not do anything. but then when i am alone and not doing anything (read: right now), i feel lonely and can’t wait until i’m doing something again. ***
gah. i’m so whiny tonight and it’s silly. this time in t’s life will never come again, and yet i still wonder when i’ll get to do life again (two handed!). even though, of course, i am doing what is most essential.
i’ve felt pretty even most days during this postpartum season, the dreaded 4th trimester. but now and then, i find myself weepy for no reason.
the deal is that life is hard, post-baby, post-loss, post-pretty-much-everyone’s-got-something. but in the end i have to hope that we’ll all be okay. everyone will be okay.
*i am so cheesy. but when i’m tired, i get all philosophical cheese which is reaaaallly bad.
**i just looked it up and it’s a re-run. temptation over. only God can judge me –Tupac
***i might actually be the little prince’s drunkard.