Category Archives: thoughts

it isn’t always pretty

well, to be honest, it rarely is.

when i am alone with my thoughts and realize how awful i can be, i wonder how anyone could tolerate my biting wit or childish whims.

but there is more than meets the eye, really. more to me and more to everyone i know. and that is in fact what i am trying to figure out almost every day.

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bone tired and it is fall break, thank the laaawd.

not much more to say than that, really.

well, i’m am extrovert, since when did not having anything to say stop me from talking?

here is one thing to note: whenever life feels most out of control, it is good to notice what you want to do in the middle of said out of control moment.

somedays, i remember to breathe deeply in and out through my nose, as my yoga teacher is always saying.

somedays, i repress the urge to kick and scream and yell.

somedays, i don’t repress the urge.

maybe for today, it is enough to live and let live, proverbially and physically.

Happy Mother’s Day

I’m snuggled up with my littlest bean in the rocking recliner. Best gift for Mother’s Day ever.

I’m thinking a lot lately about health. I started running a few years ago because I wanted to lose weight and like myself. But recently after my mom developed diabetes and getting to know my father who also has diabetes, I keep thinking how serious this is. I’m only in my early thirties, but now is the time to deal with it so that when I’m in my early fifties I can be going strong and globe trekking.

So…here’s to being healthy moms. So our kids see us taking care of ourselves and learn to do the same.

it’s been a while, i know…

the deal is that life feels pretty complicated these days. and also really simple.*

we gave up TV for lent, and it’s been good, but also kind of maddening. i keep getting those damn redbox codes and thinking “Oh, a movie would be great!” and then as i’m dialing ky to see what he wants to watch, i remember. nope. tonight’s especially hard, because i’m feeling a little emotional, and i’d like nothing more than to just plop in front of grey’s anatomy** with a cup of hot chocolate and cry. it’s easier to cry about fake stories on tv than to cry about how i feel.

i’m tired even though i napped today.  perhaps it’s my body trying to catch up on the last two months.

two months!! did you hear that?  it’s been two months already!  can you believe it?  i can’t.  she’s a sweetheart through and through.  and she’s gotten quite smiley in the last lil’ bit and it’s just the right time too.  when you’re exhausted from nursing and being up in the night, then she smiles and you think, “oh! i can do this!”

i started running again, started back to work. both are good, both are what i need to be doing, desperately. but there are some moments where what i most want is to just be alone and not do anything. but then when i am alone and not doing anything (read: right now), i feel lonely and can’t wait until i’m doing something again. ***

gah. i’m so whiny tonight and it’s silly. this time in t’s life will never come again, and yet i still wonder when i’ll get to do life again (two handed!). even though, of course, i am doing what is most essential.

i’ve felt pretty even most days during this postpartum season, the dreaded 4th trimester. but now and then, i find myself weepy for no reason.

the deal is that life is hard, post-baby, post-loss, post-pretty-much-everyone’s-got-something. but in the end i have to hope that we’ll all be okay. everyone will be okay.

*i am so cheesy. but when i’m tired, i get all philosophical cheese which is reaaaallly bad.

**i just looked it up and it’s a re-run. temptation over. only God can judge me –Tupac

***i might actually be the little prince’s drunkard.

i’m feeling a little whiny…warning…

i have this crazy hip cracking and aching going on.  t is getting bigger and pushing me out of her way.  *whiiiinnnne*

we’re heading into a busy weekend, and it’s great, but i’m already pretty tired.  it’s a lot of work to pull off an orientation.  and it’s good, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes i feel like a door-woman at a revolving door.  in a community, you can’t just get by without knowing people.   well, i guess you can. but it’s miserable and doesn’t last long.  anyway, meeting lots of new people is good and i am hopeful overall.  but i have had some grieving to do this week about good-byes and what i thought would be, but isn’t.

then we’ll rest on sunday morning before we head over to nc to see family.  k’s dad is getting worse, and we need to go and help do depressing things like install grab bars and mow the law and try to figure out what he can take care of and what he can’t.

i asked k to make sure he takes care of himself, because when he’s 80 and i’m 79, i’d like to be on a sailboat, in the south pacific, sailing from port to port, stopping in new places, buying exotic fruits and living off the sea.  i’ll eat fish then.  i won’t be repulsed by the smell of it (i hope).

and when our great-grand children want to get away, we’ll meet them at an airport in india, to give them a taste of adventure and life.  and e and t, they’ll roll their eyes at us, wondering why in the world, we’re out gallivanting “at our age” around the globe.

then, when we’re ready, we’ll just sail off the edge of the map and meet in the sky.

it’s been one week…

  • since we found out baby’s a girl.
  • since i couldn’t stop naming our little one
  • since baby girl has made all of her kickboxing efforts known, we went from flutters to ouchies in like days.
  • since ellie has been well. the cough that won’t go away, volume 2012.
  • since i got yelled at by someone who’s supposed to be a professional.  so much for that.
  • since i last asked myself the question of whether or not i would be responsible for the world or detach with love.
  • since i noticed that it’s really hard for me to really create on my days off.  i want to, but i keep getting stuck.
  • since i went to a baby swap and came back with really cute newborn clothes in pink.

graduates, graduates everywhere

you know, it’s funny.

when i graduated from high school, we ruined that graduation practices for the subsequent classes.  the mhs class of 99 was obnoxious at graduation.  most of my class gave the principal a condom in exchange for a diploma.  there were lots of beach balls and silly string, people shouting with air horns during speeches.  it was hilarious to us.   after that, they changed a lot of the graduation procedures to ensure that the class was polite through the ceremony.  class of 99 certainly left its mark.

but i’ve been to several graduations in the last week, and last night, it was the principal who handed the class a beach ball!  it was laid back and fun.  the senior prank was giving bricks and shovels and all sorts of building equipment to the principal, because the school is building a new high school this year.  anyway, the principal was quite good natured about it all, and i found myself wondering what the difference is.

and then, i remembered.

since i graduated from high school, there have been 3 presidents, at least half a dozen major terrorist attacks, two wars, multiple military coups, a few genocides, a spread of school shootings across the entire country, an economic “downturn” (which is only our polite way of saying depression) and last but not least culture wars about everything and  everyone under the sun.

oh yeah.

maybe people are starting to realize that these newly graduated kids (ack!  i’m turning into an old woman!) know plenty about serious things.  maybe we should show them how to have fun.  maybe.

in any case, it was fun.  i know why so many people in small towns like going to the local graduation, even if it’s not a relative who’s graduating:  it’s because it’s hopeful.  seeing them start out, fresh and new, well, it’s like holding a new baby.  it just plants hope where you need it most.