december has been (as it usually is for me) both glorious and insane.
i love christmas, really. for anyone who knows me well, you know i love presents, giving and receiving. i realized this year that getting and giving presents is like giving and receiving hope. there’s this package, big or small, and truly it could contain anything. ANYTHING! that’s amazing to me.
the insane part comes in the usual and not so usual ways. first of all, where the hell did december go? i feel like i had thanksgiving dinner, blinked, and now it is almost new years. it is like that for me every year now. i feel sad about that. for ellie, every day was a moaning of how many days until christmas! for me, i am stunned that it has come and gone again.
most people feel that way i think.
as for the not so usual ways, december has been a very reflective month for me. not in ways that have been comfortable or warm and fuzzy. the idea of the season of advent is truly astonishing if you think about it: something is about to happen and it will make it so nothing is ever the same again. i haven’t felt the hope that might accompany ideas like that, only the terror of change and new growth and how often i feel like hiding in my bed until it is all over.
but here i am. waiting and wishing and dreaming that this new year, life will break loose in a way it has not before. i am hopeful that i get to do things differently and curious to know how that might change the world. because that has been my goal all along.