so i just finished the hunger games trilogy this weekend.  and they were good, to be sure.  riveting.  i read them all in 3 days, one night staying up until 3 a.m. to finish.  when i finished the last one, i found myself in a sort of perpetual fog, much like katniss actually, wandering around looking for what was real and not real.

here’s what i loved about them:  it is way too close to home for me to think about all those people having unnecessary surgery and living in luxury in the capitol while most children starve.  i don’t think of myself as a rich person.  but i have a smart phone, a laptop, a place to live, an education (mine and for my offspring), and a car.  and while not regularly, it does occasionally happen that i throw out old food.  standing side by side with children from across the world, i am the pierced, tattooed cat woman with a modified figure in an effort to stay “fashionable.”  and while all of those thoughts are uncomfortable for me, i am moved by them.  i love that suzanne collins has laid out exactly the folly of the west, dependent in 2012 still on slave labor in a variety of forms.

ever since i was a kid, i have always been fascinated by stories of survival.  i use to memorize ideas from books and movies about being stuck in the woods, determined that if it ever happened to me, i would be sure to know just what to do.

perhaps i identified with this idea of needing to go out and do whatever it takes to make it.   i identified with the heroine each time she had to take on whatever enemy: hunger, a tribute, the capitol, the rebels whatever.  the fight for survival is ingrained in all of us.  it just appears differently to different people.  some people fight for survival by trying desperately to control everything around them.  some people fight for survival by trying to make everyone like them.  some people fight for survival by gathering as much as they can whenever they can.  hoarding is a huge problem in our world, and i’m not talking about the tv show.

things i didn’t like about the book were how katniss was mildly schizophrenic without the slightest drop of awareness.  she got so angry at her mother for the various forms of neglect, but every time something difficult came up, she was kamikaze suicidal.  at the end, when she talks about what she’ll tell her children, i thought, “what?  you plan to talk to your kids? you can barely talk to yourself!”  it seemed a little contradictory to me.

i also didn’t like how she finally made her “boy” decision after it was essentially made for her.  that presents females in this sort of fickle light, driven by a biological need to be cared for.

here’s what i want:  a heroine that is strong and independent.  but who is also allowed to be vulnerable.  women who are strong without vulnerability are a pain in the ass.  but women who are only vulnerable are victims and have no idea that they don’t have to be.

and i don’t think i would react quite so strongly to this image of katniss except that this book was written for young adults.  the heroine herself is only 17.  that seems terribly unfair to a generation of female teenagers.  we’ve given them twilight and the hunger games.  how will they know their own strength?  what if no one tells them that they can be beautiful (beauty is often vulnerable) AND smart (strong and confident)?  why is it so hard for our society to value women in this balance?  why are we interested in painting women in the extremes?  are we afraid that a balanced woman might be a force to reckon with?  a force that could actually change the world?

the problem is that the hunger games trilogy is not a cautionary tale.  but rather a rally to fight the status quo and recognize that the leader of a country isn’t the most important piece of a country’s direction.  it is the ordinary, day to day life of citizens who choose to do the right thing again and again that changes where a country is headed.

thank you.

today’s funeral was for a dear woman who had such a profound impact on me in a really short amount of time.  her mother died recently, and i wrote her to ask how she was doing and she was genuinely rejoicing.  happy, because her mother wasn’t suffering.  normally that would send worried thoughts about the level of someone’s denial, but she was so contented, at peace and full of rest.  it was a beautiful example of how life (and death) can be met with open handed grace and patience.

i can’t believe she’s gone.  i miss her.

and tonight, i finally get to meet this baby.  and i’m pretty excited.  he’s already a month old almost.  anyway, i’m glad to be ending the day with new ones.

i’m grateful for the old ones too.  but sometimes you just need to hold a newborn to know that everything will be okay.

i’ve been pondering so much stuff lately.  it’s like my poor little brain is on overload, thinking about all the possibilities and ramifications of understanding a little more each day.

i’m becoming increasingly more mystic.  and i think that before you get any straight jackets or sign me up for more therapy (don’t bother, i signed myself up!), hear me out.

what if, by some magical, mysterious way, everything and everyone were intricately connected?  what if my taking time for a hot cup of tea means that somewhere, someone else experiences a moment of serenity because i didn’t add any more chaos to my day?  what if by running and taking care of myself in a healthy way causes someone or something to live a little bit longer?

if there’s a chance that life can be granted, in however a small and limited way that is possible, wouldn’t we do that?  wouldn’t we sign up for giving buckets and buckets of life and love wherever?

even a thimble sized bucket would mean the world to an ant.

i spent the better part of two days working on this guy.  i like it muchly.  i tried out a new technique a la emily.  a bit of watercolor “pouring.”  probably closer to dripping than pouring.  but i really enjoyed trying something new.  i loved the unpredictability of it all.

a prism

who could resist that face?

we made lots of homemade things this year too.  for example:

kitchen from nightstand extravaganza

that curtain rod down there was intended to hold a curtain, but i ran out of time, so i thought i would wait and let her help me make one.  turns out, it’s great, because she prefers it as is, to hang her pot holders & oven mitts on.  (say that in a new zealand or aussie accent, just for fun.  it’s the one she’s been using to host lots of tea parties in her room since christmas).

the last of our guests left yesterday morning, so it’s been pretty quiet around here.  i’ve really enjoyed being home.  so much.  i spent lots of my weekend in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning up from meals.  but all in all, it wasn’t too bad.  kyle did lots of projects with the dads.  which was also nice.   some of the projects included lighting in our basement (we can see!!) hanging up curtains in our living room:

new to me curtains, inherited from my sister-in-law in texas

and a newly painted kitchen.  complete with my christmas present from k & e:  a pallet-struction!

lime green + pallet awesomeness

aaaand….i got my very first easel from my parents.  a table top one that’s very lovely.  i like it a lot.  i’ll be taking it with me next weekend on our retreat in alabama.

this is the best.  i only want to stay home for the holidays from now on.  maybe i shouldn’t make sweeping statements, but i have to say that it is so nice to just rest and be here in our house.  especially since we don’t have to rush back for work or for anything really.  it’s nice.

on tuesday, i took down our christmas decor.  normally, i would leave it up until epiphany, but we had a live tree this year (first time EVER) that needed planting.

christmas letter photo reject, but the tree is lovely

anyway, the whole time i was taking it down, e kept asking me what we’d use for next year.  my parents gave us a tree a couple of years ago.  a pre-lit one whose lights no longer work.  i told her we had that one, and that it would work fine.

then….i went to a thrift store.  our local rescue mission has thrift stores all over the county.  and for christmas this year, they put all of their christmas items in one store.  i didn’t even know of its existence until yesterday.  so i went last night, to check it out, for funsies.  i was thinking, okay, if i find a tree that looks nice for 5, but definitely no more than 10 bucks, i’ll get it.

49 cents.  a 6.5 foot tree, no joke.  the last day was today and they were trying to get rid of everything.  i was so proud of my little self.  things were either 9 cents or 49 cents.  i found a great set (22!) of holiday fabric napkins, wrapping paper, a votive centerpiece for a table, a wreath for my door, christmas tins for next year’s consumable gifts, ribbon for all sorts of crafty-crafting, pillows to cover for my living room, mugs that aren’t holiday to replace some that got broken over christmas, knick knack patty whack galore.  grand total:  $5.  best christmas shopping, ever.

it was so much fun.  many of the things i found are sentimental nonsense.  but decorating for christmas is wonderfully sentimental nonsensical.  and i wouldn’t change it for the world.

it’s a slow day today, gratefully.  beginning tomorrow night after 9:00 p.m., we’ll be hosting a whirlwind of parents and step siblings and friends and in-laws through the weekend until tuesday morning.  it will be quite a busy little mekaan mubarik.  but i’m super excited.  so stoked in fact, that i have even planned menus.  i never plan anything.  well, almost never.

today several friends are birthing babies.  some in court, some in labor, some in paperwork.  it’s a beautiful season of birthing.  and i’m so thrilled for each of them.  particularly knowing that some have been pregnant for years.  literally.

anyway…i’m enjoying the quiet of today.  and that’s very christmas-y too.

holy families everywhere

our house has been busy.  hosting a lot.  which is great.  i really like hosting parties or people or both.  though, i find that i’m a little bit tired tonight.

buut…i’m super excited.  elated.  there are these exciting new things buzzing around, and i don’t even know what they all mean yet.  but i’m happy for them.  i cannot contain the joy and beauty.  things that i have probably always known about myself, but have covered over are coming to light.  and that is wonderful to celebrate.

perhaps it’s not unlike the parties of the week.  so good, so kind and joyful.  and at the end, there’s a peaceful sort of slumber from all of the delight, like kids who pass out on Christmas afternoon after getting up early and playing so hard with all their new toys.

one of my refugee friends this week told me that her people came here like dry and thirsty ground.  and that what they most needed were friends, to love them, to talk to them, to visit them.  how could i not love her?  to pour out love like a warm spring rain to water that ground so that it will again grow good things?

the suffering of the world is too great to just stand by.  the joy isn’t meant to be contained.

so, happy belated thanksgiving to you.  a good time was had by all at 4 thanksgivings for our family this year.  tasty and delish.  and i somehow managed to only gain 2 lbs, which, i’m pretty glad about.  2 lbs i can handle before the next round of parties!

i decorated for christmas before we left (yes, i’m one of those people).  but i loooove christmas.  and i love decorating and it was really fun to decorate our first christmas in our house.  it is a great gift.

i keep thinking about thankfulness.  not just because it was just thanksgiving. but because it is so easy to forget gratitude in the midst of busyness and stress.  sometimes you have to decide to be thankful and go be it.

for years, i’ve wanted to have an advent calendar. but not a chocolate one, a thoughtful one. one year, i printed off this “free printable” that was a christmas tree that you cut out parts and taped on for each day.  but it was pretty lame all in all.

anyway, i was checking out pinterest, looking at the craft junkies and all the advent calendars and they were great.  really great.  but one after the other needed materials that i didn’t have.  and as a craft junkie, i am well versed in the horror of buying materials for one project and then they sit half used in a drawer for years.

then i was reading this blog, i would link to it, except i can’t remember which one it was.  sorry.  anyway, the lady was discussing several ideas of advent calendars and she said something like, i’m pretty sure the kids would love it if you even just used plain white envelopes in a box.

that’s all it took for me.  the pressure was off, and i was free to create whatever i wanted with whatever i had.

so i did.  in like an hour and a half, i used only things i had on hand (including, but not limited to scrapbook paper that meg gave me back when we lived in apex.  one year for christmas or my birthday, she gave me something like 10 lbs of scrapbooking paper.  incredible.  anyway, i’ve used it to make cards and all kinds of things for the last 7 years, but this will definitely be the most memorable project as i was counting each scrap to see if i had 25. )  after i sewed the paper together, i made a list of advent things to do (some are really simple like making a cup of hot chocolate and reading a christmas book together.  others are more complex, like going to the christmas parade, etc).  i cut the slips out and tucked them in the pocket.

so….the moral of the story, everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.

without further ado:

close up

the full view

especially in the south.  there’s so much pressure to make life okay for your mom and vice versa.  one big giant ball of co dependence.  but i saw some really lovely things:  like a mother who started speaking to all of her children and loving them well,  a grateful daughter in the midst of grief and recovery from such a long road of suffering.  and as for me, i saw the genuineness of how important it is to not walk alone.  we all experience varying degrees of loneliness at different points.  and while we know that at our core, we’re not alone, it is really beautiful to walk hand in hand with people who share our experiences.

sunday night, we hosted thanksgiving dinner for a ton of refugees. it was really fun.  i love parties.

i decorated for christmas last night and today.  it’s really swell.  i love it actually, i can’t get over it, every year, this feeling that i get to decorate to my heart’s content.  christmas was always a big deal at my house as a kid.  even the years when we only got one or two presents, we had a tree (that we cut down by going out to the woods in our hometown and cutting down) and ornaments.  we always decorated the back of the door with christmas cards and stockings, since we didn’t have a mantel.  special.

i ran for the first time in a while two weeks ago.  it was a little sad.  i ran out of breath so quickly.  but i’m going to go again.  just have to discipline and get back into things.

i’m in love with this week also, btw.  just hanging out and doing things that i don’t normally get to do (clean is one, but in a good way), make stuff, hang out with my family.  it’s great.

aaand…that’s all.